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Season 1, Episode 17
The One With Two Parts, Part 2

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Previously on Friends

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Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?

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It's Phoebe!

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Okay, will that be all?

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They're twins!

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Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's... hot!

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It's for Ursula.

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Sure, yeah...okay, it fits.

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Marcel, give Rossie the remote.

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How did he do this?

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It's this whole stupid Ursula thing

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So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

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You don't know my sister.

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You gotta talk to Joey.

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He's falling in love with her.

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You're not gonna lose him

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They haven't even slept together yet, I mean, that's not serious.

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Um, yeah, may we help you?

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Rachel! Rachel!

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I'm okay! I'm okay!

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Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

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Hi.

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Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights,

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and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.

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My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?

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Fill this out and bring it back to me.

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Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.

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Okay, ooh, alright.

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Name, address

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Okay, in case of emergency, call?

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You.

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Really?

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Yeah.

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Oh, that is so sweet.

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Oh gosh, love you.

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Insurance?

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Oh, yeah, check it.Definitely, I want some of that.

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you don't have insurance?

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Why, how much is this gonna cost?

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I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.

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Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?

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Well there's not much we can do.

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Um... unless, unless I use yours.

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Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.

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Well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?

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That's insurance fraud.

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Well, alright, then, forget it.
Might as well just go home.

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Ow ow ow ow!Okay, okay.

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I hate this.

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Thank you. Thank you. I love you.

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Hi, um, I'm gonna need a new set of these forms .

53
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Why?

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I am really an idiot.

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You see, I was filling out my friend's form,

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and instead of putting her information, I put mine.

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You are an idiot. .

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Yep, that's me, I am that stupid.

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I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

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That's nice.

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No, no, with him.

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I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby

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And I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.

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Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

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Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.

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And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.

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What are you crazy? That's a baby!

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He should take the sack?

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Anyway, suddenly I'm down field,

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and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right?

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Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time,

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So I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up.

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See I, I am so not ready to be a father.

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Hey, you're gonna be fine.

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You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America.

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You're gonna make a great dad.

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Yeah, Ross.
You and the baby just need better blocking.

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Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room?Is it real expensive?

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Well, only if you order stuff.

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I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.

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Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?

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When's that?

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Tonight.

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Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?

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You take your time.

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There it is!

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So what're you gonna do?

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What can I do?

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Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.

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And your friend Phoebe?

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Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand.I mean, wouldn't you guys?

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Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday,

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you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.

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you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.

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Okay, errrr, Monica?

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Yes? ..yes, she is.

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Hi, this is my friend Rachel.Hi.

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Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.

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And I'm his friend,Dr.Rosen.

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Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?

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Excuse me?

102
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I meant er, young, young, I meant young,young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.

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Thank you.

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Right.

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so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.

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Uh, you left out the stupid part.

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Not stupid.

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The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes."

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I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital.

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It's like returning to the scene of the crime.

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You know, I say we blow off the dates.

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What?

113
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Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, cute doctors, doctors who are cute!

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Alright, what have we learned so far?

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SURPRISE!!!

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What the hell are you doing?
You scared the crap outta me.

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Was that the cake?

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Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.

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Come on, she'll be here any minute.

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I hope it's okay.

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Oh...

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"Happy Birthday Peehe."

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Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.

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Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.

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Hey, what's going on?

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Oh, we just...

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- Surprise!
- Oh, oh, oh!

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This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary.

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Hi everybody. Hi Betty!Betty, Hi! You found Betty! Oh my god! This is great.

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Everybody I love is in the same room, Where's Joey?

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Did you see Betty?

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I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business.

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Five years ago, if somebody had said to me,

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here's a tomato that looks like a prune,
I'd say "get out of my office!"

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Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?

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I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea and-

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Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing.

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Did you uh, ever get this sort of panicky,"Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?

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No.

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Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business.

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I wasn't around that much.
Is that what this is about?

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No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.

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'Cause there's time to make up for that.
We can do stuff together.

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You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that?

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Thanks, Dad, really, I just you know, I just, I just needed to know,

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um when did you start to feel like a father?

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Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born.

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We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep,

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and they brought you in and gave you to me.

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You were this ugly little red thing,

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and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist.

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And you squeezed it, so tight.

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And that's when I knew.

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So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?

155
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No, we can go to Williamsburg.

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Eat your fish.

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Rachel, the cute doctors are here.

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Okay, coming!

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- Hi, come on in.
- Hey.

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- Hi, Geoffrey.
- Hi.

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Ah here, we brought wine.

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Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist?

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Oh, that's great. Look at that.

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So, Monica, how's the ankle?

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It's uh...

166
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Well, why don't you tell them?

167
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After all it, is your ankle.

168
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You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um

169
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Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses

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STAT!

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Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are?

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I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.

173
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It will not be fine.
We'll get in trouble.

174
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Oh, Monica!Would you stop being such a wuss?

175
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A wuss?

176
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Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?

177
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So?

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- So... they sss-still seem normal.
- That's because they are.

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okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out..Women we meet at the hospital It turns into..

180
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Willya relax?Look around.

181
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No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners,they're fine. Go like this.

182
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I said we are not going to do it, okay?
Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.

183
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I am not a baby!

184
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- You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we- Sure, every time, you're such a princess

185
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- You know what?
- What?

186
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- You know what?
- What!?

187
00:10:23,632 --> 00:10:25,121
- You know what?
- What!!?

188
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Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.

189
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Hello! Here we go!

190
00:10:33,477 --> 00:10:34,965
This is a great place.
How long have you lived here?

191
00:10:34,965 --> 00:10:42,175
Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.

192
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:47,944
Yeah...see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.

193
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Really?

194
00:10:52,355 --> 00:10:58,326
Yeah Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me.

195
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Why don't you try the hummus?

196
00:11:04,308 --> 00:11:06,731
So, Monica, what do you do?

197
00:11:06,731 --> 00:11:08,606
Aahh, I'm a chef at a restaurant uptown.

198
00:11:08,606 --> 00:11:09,347
Good for you.

199
00:11:09,347 --> 00:11:12,129
Yeah it is,

200
00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:19,412
Mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.

201
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This hummus is great.

202
00:11:21,288 --> 00:11:27,631
God bless the chickpea.

203
00:11:27,631 --> 00:11:35,162
Oh, god, I am so spoiled.

204
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:37,766
That's it!

205
00:11:37,766 --> 00:11:43,911
And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?

206
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I used to wet my bed.

207
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I use my breasts to get other people's attention.

208
00:11:50,093 --> 00:11:52,893
We both do that!

209
00:12:05,252 --> 00:12:08,885
Monica and Rachel's apartment.

210
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Err yeh, aayah, yeh,

211
00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:14,838
just one second ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.

212
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Hi, Dad.

213
00:12:16,271 --> 00:12:19,674
No, no, it's me.

214
00:12:19,674 --> 00:12:22,574
li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now,

215
00:12:22,574 --> 00:12:28,029
um, but there's something, um there's something that I've been meaning to tell you

216
00:12:28,029 --> 00:12:29,073
Would you excuse me for a second?

217
00:12:29,212 --> 00:12:35,299
Remember back in freshman year?
Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.

218
00:12:43,449 --> 00:12:46,445
Daddy Daddy...

219
00:12:46,445 --> 00:12:48,966
Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin?

220
00:12:48,966 --> 00:12:52,001
His father tried to put you out of business!

221
00:12:52,001 --> 00:12:56,575
...dead!

222
00:12:56,638 --> 00:12:59,476
Ross, he's got the remote again.

223
00:12:59,476 --> 00:13:01,851
Good.

224
00:13:01,851 --> 00:13:06,166
Maybe he can switch it back.

225
00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:09,013
Maybe not.

226
00:13:09,013 --> 00:13:13,204
Hello?

227
00:13:13,204 --> 00:13:18,234
Um, yeah, uh, Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.

228
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It's the woman from the hospital admissions office.

229
00:13:20,246 --> 00:13:22,632
She says there's a problem with the form.

230
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Oh, god, oh god, Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?

231
00:13:24,164 --> 00:13:24,831
I don't know!

232
00:13:24,831 --> 00:13:25,832
Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out what they want!

233
00:13:25,832 --> 00:13:28,197
Okay no, you do it.

234
00:13:28,197 --> 00:13:33,591
Hello, this is MonicaYeah???Oh...

235
00:13:33,591 --> 00:13:36,876
Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.Thank you.

236
00:13:36,876 --> 00:13:38,394
What?

237
00:13:38,394 --> 00:13:40,894
We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.

238
00:13:40,894 --> 00:13:43,733
Ohhh Okay, you were right. You were right! This was just not worth it.

239
00:13:43,733 --> 00:13:45,280
Thank you.

240
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,572
- Okay, let me just change.
- Yes.

241
00:13:48,572 --> 00:13:50,089
- Hey.
- Hey!

242
00:13:50,089 --> 00:13:51,393
Hi.

243
00:13:51,393 --> 00:13:53,833
Trouble?

244
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,752
Your sister stood me up the other night.

245
00:13:55,752 --> 00:14:01,279
Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?

246
00:14:01,279 --> 00:14:02,748
Well did you try calling her?

247
00:14:02,748 --> 00:14:04,848
I've been trying for two days.

248
00:14:04,848 --> 00:14:07,440
When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk.

249
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:12,826
I can't believe she's blowin' me off.

250
00:14:28,795 --> 00:14:33,874
- Hey.
- Oh!

251
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,608
Um you, you got a minute?

252
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:41,956
Um, yeah, I'm just... ..working.

253
00:14:45,649 --> 00:14:49,875
- So.
- Uh-huh.

254
00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,806
Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.

255
00:14:52,806 --> 00:14:57,773
Oh, wow! You remembered!

256
00:14:58,532 --> 00:15:01,275
Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!

257
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:05,178
- Right, like the kind you...
- Right

258
00:15:05,178 --> 00:15:09,352
- Oh, I got something for you, too.
- How'd you know I was coming?

259
00:15:09,352 --> 00:15:13,609
Um, yeah, um, twin thing.

260
00:15:13,609 --> 00:15:22,727
I can't believe you did this.
I can't believe you.....did this.

261
00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:25,843
So What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?

262
00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:30,207
Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.

263
00:15:30,626 --> 00:15:33,202
- Does he know?
- Who?

264
00:15:33,202 --> 00:15:38,068
Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.

265
00:15:38,068 --> 00:15:39,874
He is? Why?

266
00:15:39,874 --> 00:15:41,510
You got me.

267
00:15:41,510 --> 00:15:43,357
Right.

268
00:15:43,357 --> 00:15:47,561
Excuse me.Doesn't this come with a side salad?

269
00:15:47,561 --> 00:15:49,405
So, um, are you gonna call him?

270
00:15:49,405 --> 00:15:50,515
What? Do you think he likes me?

271
00:15:50,515 --> 00:15:52,411
No, Joey.

272
00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:53,965
Oh.

273
00:15:53,965 --> 00:15:59,749
No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. Do you want some chicken?

274
00:15:59,749 --> 00:16:02,684
No. No food with a face.

275
00:16:02,684 --> 00:16:04,887
You have not changed!

276
00:16:04,887 --> 00:16:08,518
Yeah, you too.

277
00:16:10,325 --> 00:16:11,215
Hi, remember us?

278
00:16:11,215 --> 00:16:13,190
Mmm hmmm.

279
00:16:13,190 --> 00:16:17,408
Um, okay.You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form.

280
00:16:17,408 --> 00:16:20,008
Well, it turns out we need a whole new one

281
00:16:20,008 --> 00:16:25,517
because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again.'causeum...

282
00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:29,113
You're that stupid.

283
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:32,288
I am. I'm that stupid.

284
00:16:32,288 --> 00:16:35,231
Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.

285
00:16:35,231 --> 00:16:36,879
Well, you know your insurance will cover that.

286
00:16:36,879 --> 00:16:41,283
Yeah, I know... ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.

287
00:16:41,283 --> 00:16:43,000
Okay, worst case scenario.

288
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,359
Say you never feel like a father.

289
00:16:45,359 --> 00:16:46,830
Uh-huh.

290
00:16:46,830 --> 00:16:50,600
Say your son never feels connected to you, as one.

291
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,151
Say all of his relationships are affected by this.

292
00:16:54,151 --> 00:16:56,831
Do you have a point?

293
00:16:56,831 --> 00:17:02,190
You know, you think I would.

294
00:17:02,190 --> 00:17:04,957
What's up with the simian?

295
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:08,880
It's just a fur ball.

296
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,198
Okay... ..whose turn is it?

297
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,639
Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.

298
00:17:13,048 --> 00:17:16,876
No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.

299
00:17:16,876 --> 00:17:22,110
I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?

300
00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:27,409
You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!

301
00:17:27,409 --> 00:17:28,732
You go get that animal outta here.

302
00:17:28,732 --> 00:17:33,395
No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he'schoking I don't know what else to do.

303
00:17:33,395 --> 00:17:35,125
What's goin' on?Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.

304
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:37,804
Oh.

305
00:17:37,804 --> 00:17:40,931
Excuse me This hospital is for people!

306
00:17:40,931 --> 00:17:44,534
Lady, he is people.He has a name, okay?

307
00:17:44,534 --> 00:17:49,230
He watches Jeopardy!He he touches himself when nobody's watching.

308
00:17:49,230 --> 00:17:52,677
- Please, please have a heart!
- I'll take a look at him.

309
00:17:52,677 --> 00:17:54,233
- Oh, thank you.
- Michael. - Rachel.

310
00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:55,233
- What?
- Monica.

311
00:17:55,233 --> 00:18:01,456
- Oh.- Hi. - Hi.

312
00:18:09,152 --> 00:18:11,397
Hey.

313
00:18:11,397 --> 00:18:12,758
Urse...

314
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:15,829
ah, what're you doing here?
I've been trying to call you.

315
00:18:15,829 --> 00:18:16,870
Listen, um...

316
00:18:16,870 --> 00:18:22,173
No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen."I've said that "listen."

317
00:18:22,173 --> 00:18:23,874
I'm sorry.

318
00:18:23,874 --> 00:18:29,627
I don't get it.What happened?What about everything you said under the bridge?

319
00:18:29,627 --> 00:18:32,351
Yeah, um...

320
00:18:32,351 --> 00:18:35,851
You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge,

321
00:18:35,851 --> 00:18:39,793
I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!

322
00:18:39,793 --> 00:18:41,456
You don't drink.

323
00:18:41,456 --> 00:18:44,045
That's right, I don't ..

324
00:18:44,045 --> 00:18:47,201
But I was, I was drunk on you!

325
00:18:47,201 --> 00:18:48,109
Oh, Urse...

326
00:18:48,109 --> 00:18:50,130
Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.

327
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:54,271
Why?Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?

328
00:18:54,271 --> 00:18:58,673
If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?

329
00:18:58,673 --> 00:19:03,074
No. No, I, I couldn't do that.

330
00:19:03,074 --> 00:19:06,402
Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe!

331
00:19:06,402 --> 00:19:10,637
So, you know, it's either her or me.

332
00:19:10,637 --> 00:19:17,812
Then, uh, then I'm sorry.

333
00:19:17,812 --> 00:19:19,873
You know...

334
00:19:19,873 --> 00:19:22,513
You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.

335
00:19:22,513 --> 00:19:29,486
I know...

336
00:19:29,486 --> 00:19:32,486
I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or what,

337
00:19:32,486 --> 00:19:36,426
but you have never looked so beautiful.

338
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:40,968
Really?

339
00:20:07,043 --> 00:20:07,792
Pheebs?

340
00:20:07,792 --> 00:20:12,842
Yeah. Oooh...

341
00:20:18,753 --> 00:20:21,648
He looks so tiny.

342
00:20:21,648 --> 00:20:23,473
We just got the message.Is he alright?

343
00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:26,650
Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out.

344
00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:30,449
He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.

345
00:20:30,449 --> 00:20:39,726
We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'

346
00:20:39,726 --> 00:20:43,209
Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.

347
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:46,350
So, you feel like a dad yet?

348
00:20:46,350 --> 00:20:48,109
No, why?

349
00:20:48,109 --> 00:20:51,949
Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do.

350
00:20:51,949 --> 00:20:53,990
That is very dad.

351
00:20:53,990 --> 00:20:55,834
Oh, look, he's waking up!

352
00:20:55,834 --> 00:21:00,996
hey, fella! How you doing?

353
00:21:16,899 --> 00:21:17,399
(Here it is!

354
00:21:17,399 --> 00:21:19,499
(Who ordered General Sal's chicken?

355
00:21:19,499 --> 00:21:21,730
(It could've been General Sal!

356
00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:29,315
(Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the hula!

357
00:21:29,315 --> 00:21:31,092
(hi, Joey!

358
00:21:31,092 --> 00:21:34,509
(hi, amigos!

359
00:21:34,509 --> 00:21:38,090
(Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.

360
00:21:39,073 --> 00:21:40,757
(The thing is, he doesn't like the program!